Post by srx600 on Aug 22, 2016 13:53:49 GMT
Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
'Oi, what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night,
whilst your mate whipped me ?'
'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between Harold Shipman and David Cameron?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother'
Everybody won.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
'Oi, what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night,
whilst your mate whipped me ?'
'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between Harold Shipman and David Cameron?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother'
