Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2014 13:50:42 GMT
Doctor, doctor,I’m so worried,” said the anxious man. “Both my wife and I have black hair, but our son’s just been born with red hair.
Do you think something funny has been going on?” “Not necessarily,” replied the doctor. “How many times do you have sex?”
“About 5 times a year.”
“Well,there’s your answer then, you’re just a little rusty.”
5year old wakes up to a bad dream running to his mum/dads room only to find that his mum is jumping on top of his dad.
He later screams and runs to his room more afraid then he already was. The mother quickly gowns up and heads to the child's room explaining what he saw. "
I was just helping daddy lose some extra pounds by jumping on his stomach" The child smirks and later laughs saying "Your wasting your time"
Mother " Why?"
Child "because every morning after you go to work, our neighbour just blows it back up"
A guy has sex with his girlfriend,so she looks in the box of a dozen condoms and only sees that there are 5 left.
She asks, "What happened to rest of the condoms?" Boyfriend responds, "I masturbated into them". She says, "Oh really? guys do that". Boyfriend says, "yea definitely".
The next day next she is out with her guy friend and she tells him this story. she asked,"..you ever do that?" and her friend said, "hell yea all the time". She says, "Really? you jerk off into condoms?". He responds, "..Oh no I thought you meant do I ever lie to my girlfriend."
Picked up some Olympic condoms and said to the wife "I'll be going for gold tonight"
She replied, "fancy going for silver and coming second for a change"
Q. What do u call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow......
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both fell out of the stupid tree and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"
Finally:
Question:
10. If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!
9 The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
8 A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked,
"Where did you get that?"
The pig replied,
"I won her in a raffle!"
7 A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin,
"For best results, put on two coats".
6 Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:
"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!
5 Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.
The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,
"I think they could be bird tracks."
The second blonde went to look and said,
"No, I think these are deer tracks."
They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!
4 A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,
"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
3 A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling,
"You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
2 A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,
"I can't take this, you're my friend."
But the blonde insisted saying,
"No. A bet's a bet."
Then the redhead said
"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied
"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"
1 A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.
When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,
"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.
Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
Do you think something funny has been going on?” “Not necessarily,” replied the doctor. “How many times do you have sex?”
“About 5 times a year.”
“Well,there’s your answer then, you’re just a little rusty.”
5year old wakes up to a bad dream running to his mum/dads room only to find that his mum is jumping on top of his dad.
He later screams and runs to his room more afraid then he already was. The mother quickly gowns up and heads to the child's room explaining what he saw. "
I was just helping daddy lose some extra pounds by jumping on his stomach" The child smirks and later laughs saying "Your wasting your time"
Mother " Why?"
Child "because every morning after you go to work, our neighbour just blows it back up"
A guy has sex with his girlfriend,so she looks in the box of a dozen condoms and only sees that there are 5 left.
She asks, "What happened to rest of the condoms?" Boyfriend responds, "I masturbated into them". She says, "Oh really? guys do that". Boyfriend says, "yea definitely".
The next day next she is out with her guy friend and she tells him this story. she asked,"..you ever do that?" and her friend said, "hell yea all the time". She says, "Really? you jerk off into condoms?". He responds, "..Oh no I thought you meant do I ever lie to my girlfriend."
Picked up some Olympic condoms and said to the wife "I'll be going for gold tonight"
She replied, "fancy going for silver and coming second for a change"
Q. What do u call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow......
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both fell out of the stupid tree and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"
Finally:
Question:
10. If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!
9 The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
8 A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked,
"Where did you get that?"
The pig replied,
"I won her in a raffle!"
7 A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin,
"For best results, put on two coats".
6 Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:
"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!
5 Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.
The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,
"I think they could be bird tracks."
The second blonde went to look and said,
"No, I think these are deer tracks."
They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!
4 A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,
"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
3 A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling,
"You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
2 A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,
"I can't take this, you're my friend."
But the blonde insisted saying,
"No. A bet's a bet."
Then the redhead said
"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied
"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"
1 A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.
When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,
"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.
Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
