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Post by daz66 on Apr 25, 2014 13:59:01 GMT
My wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help".
So I sent her a timetable.
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Post by daz66 on Apr 25, 2014 13:59:58 GMT
Got one of those nuisance call on the mobile the other day, it said;
Congratulations you have won either £1000 cash or tickets to see Elvis Presley.
Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.......
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Post by daz66 on Apr 25, 2014 14:00:59 GMT
My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.
Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.
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Post by daz66 on Apr 25, 2014 14:01:35 GMT
I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else.
My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it?. Does he hell.
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Post by daz66 on Apr 25, 2014 14:12:08 GMT
Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations" but none of them rub your d1ck and say "well done"?
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Post by daz66 on Apr 25, 2014 14:13:27 GMT
Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"
"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."
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Post by daz66 on Apr 25, 2014 14:13:52 GMT
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"
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Post by daz66 on Apr 25, 2014 14:14:14 GMT
A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.
"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."
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Post by daz66 on Apr 25, 2014 14:21:26 GMT
A newly married cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.
"Congratulations!" says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"
"Naw, thanks." says the cowboy. "I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it."
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