mark trower get well card

Another of his that I find even funnier:

Lucy went down on a farm, tried to milk a cow,
Though she tried she couldn't get the hang of it somehow.
The farmer looked at Lucy and murmured with a frown,
"Well you just hang on tightly, gal, and she'll jump up and down."

Chorus:
Oh, gather in the mushrooms, put 'em in a pot,
Pop 'em in the oven an serve 'em piping ho-ot.

To make herself more beautiful she thought she'd bathe in milk,
She said, "I'll have a bathful," to her milkman Jackie Wilke.
He said, "Do you want it pasturized before I pour it in?"
She said, "No, I'll be happy if it comes up to my chin."

Chorus

The farmer called at Lucy one dark and stormy night,
She said, "You are too old for me because your hair is white."
He looked into her eyes and then he knew he'd have to tell her,
"There's snow upon the roof but there's a fire in the cellar!"

Chorus

She took him in the kitchen, she was his turtle dove,
And then she started cooking dumplings on the stove.
She wore a low cut dress, oh it was as green as clover,
He jumped with glee 'cause he could see her dumplings boiling over.

Chorus

She said, "You give me half a crown I will read your palm,"
And then she saw his love line went half way up his arm.
So now she's changed her prices, although she's just as willing,
It's big fat men at two pound ten and little boys a shilling.

Oh, gather in the mushrooms, put 'em in a pot,
Pop 'em in the oven and serve 'em piping hot,
We're gonna gather in the mushrooms, put 'em in a pot,
Pop 'em in the oven and serve them pi-ping ho-o-ot.


GATHER IN THE MUSHROOMS
(Benny Hill)
Benny Hill - 1961

And another (I have this one and Mushrooms both on 7" vinyl...(

Pepy's Diary (as in Samuel Pepys)

A shy young maid has took a room down at the Village Inn.
Her bedside light is oh so bright and the curtains oh so thin.
At nine o'clock, she enters her room, at half past nine, she sleeps.
Lord Clarendon walks quickly on, but naughty Samuel Pepys.

Oh we know it's right.
It's in black and white.
And it's all written down in his diary!

I went to rent a ladie's house she handed me the key.
She said, "It's to be let as it stands with all that you can see."
"And are you to be left with the house?", said I in a saucy tone.
She said, "I'm not to be let with the house, I'm to be left alone!"

Oh we know it's right.
It's in black and white.
And it's all written down in his diary!

Squire Pitt locked his wife in her chastity belt then climbed upon his horse.
He left the key with the footman, lest he was killed in the wars.
He'd not gone far when the footman shouted breathlessly.
He said, "Squire Pitt, this key doesn't fit!" Squire Pitt said, "You're tellin' me!"

Oh, we know it's right
It's in black and white.
And it's all written down in his diary!

Halfway up a wall outside a castle in Traymere
There is a sign that reads "The Duke Of Denby Was Born Here".
I've traveled far and I've traveled wide but I never can recall
Ever hearing of a Duke being born halfway up a wall!

Oh, we know it's right
It's in black and white.
And it's all written down in his diary!

Last Thursday morn, my wife gave birth to a lovely baby boy.
As the doctor took me to see them my heart was filled with joy!
When he said, "He's got your husband's nose", my wife looked quite suprised.
She said, "That may be but you must agree he's got his father's eyes!"

Oh, we know it's right
It's in black and white.
And it's all written down in his diary!